I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize