its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
