tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
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