I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
