Fine. I'll sleep in my office
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
