At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
