I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
