She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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