9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
