if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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