Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
