Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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