On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
