I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
