Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
