You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
