What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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