Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
