There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
