well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
