I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
