it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You ruined the universe
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
