Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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