im six kinds of drunk right now
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
