i'm signing you up for texting rehab
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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