Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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