If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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