maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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