I met the friendliest cop last night
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
