Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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