Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
