I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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