First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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