why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
