Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
