You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
