nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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