I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
