He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
