Tell her she can't have a vagina
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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