are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
