So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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