White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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