mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
