Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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