I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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