i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
