just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
