Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
