she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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