Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
