CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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