Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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