Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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