I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
