dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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