You made me cry and you don't even care
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
