Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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