I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
