I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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