At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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