Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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