It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
