im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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