1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
