My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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