never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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