Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
