yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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