apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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