Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize