So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
