So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
