My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
