Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
