Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
